The 400th post… and the last.

Let’s face it, I don’t exactly post here any more. The reason for that is twofold. First, I went to university and didn’t really have the time any more. Secondly, I’d gotten to 399 and wanted my 400th post to be meaningful somehow. So because I’ve left this so long, I’m deciding that this will be my final post. At least here. I have a blog on Tumblr, which I update every day.
So check me out here instead: victoriomantic.tumblr.com

I leave you all with an overview of my first year of university, to round this all off. Thank you for reading.

Believe me when I say I’m finding it hard to comprehend that I’ve finished my first year already. I don’t think I’m the only person who is entirely confused by the speed at which time seems to be flying. I’m sure that 60 seconds to a minute, 60 minutes to an hour, 24 hours to a day, 7 days to a… et cetera… does not really last that long. Blink and you’ve missed the week. It’s scary and also sad to see that time doesn’t really last very long any more. You seem to glance around and realise just how much time has passed and just how little you’ve actually achieved in that time. I mean, it’s almost the end of June (and I finished uni more than a week ago, and been home nearly a week) already, and I still haven’t gotten any of my projects off the ground yet.
But I digress. That’s not what this is about.
Funnily enough, on exactly this day a year ago, I finished my A-levels and therefore officially finished my third and final (extra) year of college. I was facing a long, long summer… and then university (assuming I got in). I was so excited and so nervous. I literally had no idea what to expect. I tried not to think about it *too* much before getting my A-level results, in case I failed to get in. (Which in itself was something I didn’t want to think about either, as a fourth year of college would have been entirely out of the question). And then when I got all my results and knew I was going into university, it was all I could think about.
As the summer holidays went on, I got more and more excited, until it got to late August, early September. Then the nerves kicked in and I started feeling worse and worse. Luckily I’d already made friends with C online before going to uni, but I was still really anxious about making friends. I’ve never done very well at making friends. I seem to be really close to people for a while and then suddenly they go off me and hate me. Also, C and I had chatted online, but meeting someone is person is obviously a lot different and there was no way of knowing that we would get along.
I was (wrongly) feeling secure about Matt and I, which was a worry off my mind, although I was still kind of worried that me being far away would give him problems. But then the opposite actually happened. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA I’M SUCH A NAIVE FUCKING IDIOT. …But I’m not even going there right now or I’ll end up punching a hole through the laptop or going on a murderous rampage.
Anyhow. My university room was so much better than I had expected, but I still HATED my first week there. It was Fresher’s week and I didn’t really have all that much to do, especially since I’m not one to go out. I had no course to get involved with and more or less spent the whole time sat indoors moping. I ended up going home for the weekend because the homesickness was making me incredibly depressed. And besides, there was a Fallout (a goth/industrial night) that week, so I figured I’d go there and have a nice time instead.
Slowly but surely I ended up settling down a little. I threw myself into my course, and allowed myself to get properly engaged and involved with it. As usual (since I’m pathetic and have no decent hobbies), being able to study hard helped distract me and calm me. I began to feel a lot better in and of myself, so things got better. I started developing decent friendships. C and I did have some troubles for a while but after Christmas they evened out.
I was always intimidated by the thought that university gives you a few months to make decent enough friends that you’d be willing to live with them. Especially with the troubles we were having, I thought I would really struggle… Also, the window to find a house was very short and it stressed me out. But as most of you know, my friends and I got lucky and managed to nab a lovely, university-owned house that’s just 15 minutes away from the centre of campus. I had a wobbly moment of homesickness on the first day back after Christmas but other than that, I settled straight back in.
After exams, we had almost two weeks off, but I was only able to go home for half a week. For the other 7 days, I just met up with my friend N a lot (because of our group, she was the one I didn’t know very well) and we bonded really, really nicely.
I got really nice exam results from my first semester (firsts in everything, yay!) which more or less confirmed to me that I was doing something right. So from there on I had no troubles at all. From the start of semester two I just felt better and better. Homesickness was like a nightmare from the past. I was looking forward to coming home for Easter, and then of course a certain special someone decided to grab hold of my personal life and my heart, tear them into a thousand pieces, scatter them into the wind, and then throw my happiness to the kerb and stamp on its face. So actually, fleeing back to university was some sort of respite for me. I actually felt *better* at university than I did at home! Tell me that when I started and I would have thought you were crazy. (But then I probably would have called you crazy anyway if you told me the reason why I felt bad at home was because the “best thing in my life” was actually a massive pile of lies and shit).
Now though, I’d think you were even crazier, because now I’m at home, I am actually missing university. I miss my friends, I miss my course, I miss my room and I miss the campus. I am so glad I settled in so well, eventually, but I am also so sad that the time has flown so quickly. I can’t believe I’ve finished my first year of university already. I bet I’ll be finishing my fourth year before I know it :(
I can’t wait to get back to my course. It’ll be a LOT more difficult next year but it will also be heaps and heaps more interesting. I also can’t wait to move in with my friends :3 And I’ve promised myself that I will actually bother to go to MADsoc regularly, so that’s something good as well. I am going to be SO busy next year.
I was terrified that I would end up hated and outcasted as usual, and that I wouldn’t be able to find people to live with in my second year. But I feel like I have actually made decent friends. I was worried I’d feel out of place since I don’t drink (because hell, let’s face it, I feel pretty ostracised over the fact I don’t drink, including by the one fucking person who is supposed to have my back, always) but luckily my friend group either can’t or won’t drink heavily, so that’s a relief.
I actually managed to feel at home at university (despite a dodgy and wobbly start), and enjoyed my course and now I miss it and my friends. I do have plans for the summer (we’ll see if they work out :/), which hopefully will go well, but I am looking forward to going back in the summer. I’m sure I’ll have a beautiful time since I get to live with people I care about, and my course gets more interesting.

I really miss

All the old self-confidence I used to have.

Where did it all go?

How can one person upset me to the point where even thinking about them ruins my day? I thought you were my friend.

This is my 399th post. Huh.

I keep meaning to blog more, but finding time is very difficult at the moment. Maybe over Christmas sometime.

I am such a piece of shit

You deserve better, go find it.

HATE SELF

Die in a hole :/

You frustrate me.

Go away.

Not you, reader. You’re nice.

Taking the piss

There just aren’t words to describe how shit today has been.
No words.
I am so pissed off right now.
Fuck you, world.

When I’m down and feelin’ blue/I close my eyes so I can be with you

Out Here On My Own~ Irene Cara (From FAME)

Sometimes I wonder
Where I’ve been
Who I am
Do I fit in?
Make believin’ is hard alone,
Out here on my own

We’re always provin’ who we are
Always reachin’ for the risin’ star
To guide me far
And shine me home
Out here on my own

When I’m down and feelin’ blue
I close my eyes so I can be with you
Oh, baby, be strong for me
Baby, belong to me
Help me through
Help me need you

Until the morning sun appears
Making light of all my fears
I dry the tears
I’ve never shown
Out here on my own

When I’m down and feelin’ blue
I close my eyes so I can be with you
Oh, baby, be strong for me
Baby, belong to me
Help me through
Help me need you

Sometimes I wonder
Where I’ve been
Who I am
Do I fit in?
I may not win
But I can’t be thrown
Out here on my own
On my own

♥

Family love ♥

Mum, Mike and Merlin came over today.
I’d asked mum to get me some toilet roll, toothpaste and a makeup box from Poundland so I could round the £97 for books I owed her up to £100.
I also asked her to get me some cheese, which I’d pay her back for too.
As well as these things, she and Mike also gave me bags and bags full of food, extra toothpaste, way more toilet roll than I needed and two packets of soap.
Apparently my grandparents gave her some money to pick me up some bits, and she and Mike decided to get me some too.
I now have plenty of tinned food, freezer food and cake, as well as lots of bathroom supplies.
I didn’t ask for, nor expect, this.
I was so happy and appreciative. I’ve been doing great for money and keeping back my spending; but now, I probably won’t have to do a big shop for at least 2 weeks, if not 3. I am so, so, so grateful. Apparently they all thought I might be stuck for food… I’ve actually being doing really well for food but now I definitely am. In fact, there is so much tinned food that I have a bag full of it under my bed because it wouldn’t fit in my cupboard.
Mum and Mike also brought my TV and PS2 up for me. Hurray! ♥ Mummy won’t leave you again, PS2. Except maybe for Christmas…
It was so lovely to see Mum & Mike (and Merlin!) because I’ve really missed them all. Unfortunately however, waving goodbye to them did make me very sad again and I haven’t done any uni work in the past hour-and-a-half they’ve been gone, because I have been feeling too morose. I need to get on it soon though.

Talking of which, all of my books have turned up now, thankfully. £97 for four books, two of which will be obsolete after Christmas. Mehhh.

I miss Matt, and miss my family, and miss Mum & Mike already. Although Nan & Grandpop said they might come up to visit me sometime, and Becky said she might too. I would love to see family peoples more ♥ Although, it is just over £20 train fare so it’s kind of expensive.

I’m looking forward to Christmas. Especially if I do this sleep experiment study that’s being advertised, where I can earn £500! It’s kind of intimidating though, I’m trying to see if I can find a friend to come with me. But most of all I’m looking forward to getting home.

Matt might be coming over Tuesday/Wednesday next week. I really hope he does, I miss my kisser so much :(

Also, on a completely unrelated note, reading someone’s pregnancy blog (for no reason other than being too lazy/dispirited to do any work) has made me stupidly broody.

Laaaame.

Finally, have this picture I took of my favourite part of campus:

♥

“Physical schizophrenia”

First of all, it’s more like Physical Multiple Personality Disorder (an easy distinction to make that everyone gets wrong) but I was trying to explain how I’ve been feeling lately to someone and they called it “Physical Schizophrenia”. If schizophrenia was MPD like a lot of people seem to think it is then it’d be an accurate summary of how I feel.

I’m settling into university more now. That is to say, I’m getting used to being here. The homesickness does wane and ebb a lot, but also has a tendency to crash in on me in a giant crescendo.

I hated the emptiness of my timetable but now I’m wishing I had a little more time. Waiting on books to arrive means I’m really far behind on my reading. If I could just catch up, I’d have plenty of time to work on extra stuff I want to do, like my webcomic, my writing, my recreational reading and gaming et cetera. As it stands, I have a ton of work to do. Luckily I have this weekend (I think) to get the work done. I would have all of tomorrow afternoon but I have creative writing and a book festival. Also, Mum and Mike are visiting on Wednesday (yay), but that means I can’t do it then either. Nyeeeh. I’m writing this now, as I watch my second Charmed episode of the night, so I can cross it off my list.

It really does feel like I’ve been split in two. Like I have two lives; there’s my “Southampton” life and my “University/Guildford” life. All my stuff is at university, but in the last less-than-a-month I’ve been back twice, and Southampton is definitely the place that feels like home. University feels more homely now that Matt has been here for a night, the other week, but it’s still not right. I have my stuff, I have photographs, I’ve made it homely, I have my music, I’m used to the routine. And it’s still not right. When I get on with things it’s not so bad. And going home was lovely but it does make it slightly more difficult to come back. It’s hard to describe this weird duality that’s descended over me. I feel like I’m not only living two lives at once, but living as two people at once. And I don’t quite know how to solve this identity crisis effectively. Perseverance, finding ways to keep busy and throwing myself into as much as possible seems to be somewhat effective, but at times the loneliness and heartsickness comes back full force. Usually first thing in the morning, last thing at night and lunchtimeish.

It was pretty nice though, because Matt had an open day here on Saturday and because Julia had free train tickets (and I had a free return), I went back to Southampton with them after the open day/showing them round my room/Julia took Matt shopping. And it was even better because I was supposed to be coming back to uni on Sunday night but it was very dark so Julia said I could stay over for another night and go home this morning (well, yesterday morning now since it’s 1:30am). It meant that I had to stay in Matt’s house after he went to college but his other family members were still in, and I used the time to tidy Matt’s room and write “Love You” in socks on his bed xD He seemed to appreciate that. Good grief, I miss him so much already. I just want his cuddly arms around me again :(
I keep thinking about us moving in together but at this rate, that won’t be able to happen until after I graduate at the very least… if not when he’s graduated. That means 4 or 5 years. By then I’ll be 23-24. It seems so far away. We’ve been together for three years and seven months; we’re now closer to 4 years than 3, and yet we still haven’t moved in together. Most people would have moved in by now but it’s not worked out that way for us. We’re lucky that my third year at college meant we got to fill in one year of the age gap. It’s funny, because our original plan was to ask to rent Bruno’s old flat from him for cheap once Matt turned 16 but a) I doubt his parents would have allowed it and b) I would be headed to uni that year (although it turned out to be the next) so there wouldn’t have been any point. They have couples rooms here at Surrey but that’d only work if he came here; and even then there is a £200 deposit, which we couldn’t do because even if he HAD wanted Surrey as his first choice (currently it’s 2nd choice; I can live with that =]), there would have been no guarantee he’d come here, and if he didn’t, we would have wasted £200 and I would be stuck for somewhere to live in my second year.

*Sigh* I wanted to go to university all my life, and it’s meant to further your career and build your future but at the moment it feels like it’s holding me back and half the time I want to fly home. It’s being away from Matt that’s the hardest, sure, but I miss my Mum and Mike and the rest of the family and the pets and even my room. Even then, my room isn’t my room any more—I told Mum & Mike to switch the rooms around so Wendy & Jacob aren’t crammed into the tiny room while my bigger one goes free. Also, I said that it wouldn’t feel like I’d gained independence if I went home to the same bedroom, the way I left it… I kind of regret that now, since I’ve become so desperate for home comforts.

I think I’m getting there though.

Adding to the sensation of Physical MPD is the way that it’s so easy to start calling my uni room “home” such as “I’m gonna head home now, I’ve got a lot of reading to do”. And yet I also say “I’m going home this weekend.” Although I tend to visualise the uni room as “home” and Southampton as “Home”. Thing is, it’s difficult to decide which one is my “true” home, because although I’ll be living in Southampton for 3 weeks over Xmas, for the whole of April and for roughly 3 months over the summer, I’m paying £111.50 per week for this accommodation, and should probably really start referring to it as “home” by now. Thing is, I just can’t bring myself to.
I love Guildford town, and I love my uni campus, but home is where the heart is, and my heart will always be Matt, and my family. So I’m pretty torn. Move Matt (+family) up here and I’ll be happy as Larry. Still, at least it’s pretty cheap to get home, and the journey isn’t too difficult.

Oh, I got Academic Representative, which is basically like tutor reps from school, only representing my whole year group for psychology. I am one of 3 reps, in a 120 student course, so essentially I represent 40 people (including myself) to the subject board. It’s pretty cool =]

I’m trying to keep that optimism going, in case you hadn’t noticed.

My flatmate has her friends over (again) so it’s pretty loud… I hope they STFU, I really need some sleep.
Talking of which, I had better go. It’s now 01:38am and I’m going to have to get up early tomorrow if I plan to get some reading done before my lecture at 11am.

I need to start doing my sit-ups again, I’m letting it slack. I’ve gotten my appetite back (finally) so I need to start toning again (because at the moment, I have gone the opposite way and appear to be binge-eating). But it’s late (early?) and I’m tired, so… eh. Tomorrow.

One last thing– I’ve spent very little money in the time I’ve been here. Pretty proud of myself.

I want cuddles…

Right. Bedtimes for me. I will scan this for typo’s and do a coherency check later. For now, I’m off to snuggle down in bed and sigh over the fact I couldn’t find the T-shirt that Matt was going to let me steal… I wanted to sleep in it :(

Night, loves.

This is a blog post.

Proper one coming soon.

I hope D:

I actually have more uni work than I thought I did. This is both good and bad.

Love to you all.