Where did it all go?

How can one person upset me to the point where even thinking about them ruins my day? I thought you were my friend.

This is my 399th post. Huh.

I keep meaning to blog more, but finding time is very difficult at the moment. Maybe over Christmas sometime.

Not you, reader. You’re nice.

Sometimes I wonder
Where I’ve been
Who I am
Do I fit in?
Make believin’ is hard alone,
Out here on my own

Sometimes I wonder
Where I’ve been
Who I am
Do I fit in?
I may not win
But I can’t be thrown
Out here on my own
On my own

♥

Talking of which, all of my books have turned up now, thankfully. £97 for four books, two of which will be obsolete after Christmas. Mehhh.

I miss Matt, and miss my family, and miss Mum & Mike already. Although Nan & Grandpop said they might come up to visit me sometime, and Becky said she might too. I would love to see family peoples more ♥ Although, it is just over £20 train fare so it’s kind of expensive.

I’m looking forward to Christmas. Especially if I do this sleep experiment study that’s being advertised, where I can earn £500! It’s kind of intimidating though, I’m trying to see if I can find a friend to come with me. But most of all I’m looking forward to getting home.

Matt might be coming over Tuesday/Wednesday next week. I really hope he does, I miss my kisser so much :(

Also, on a completely unrelated note, reading someone’s pregnancy blog (for no reason other than being too lazy/dispirited to do any work) has made me stupidly broody.

Laaaame.

Finally, have this picture I took of my favourite part of campus:

♥

I’m settling into university more now. That is to say, I’m getting used to being here. The homesickness does wane and ebb a lot, but also has a tendency to crash in on me in a giant crescendo.

I hated the emptiness of my timetable but now I’m wishing I had a little more time. Waiting on books to arrive means I’m really far behind on my reading. If I could just catch up, I’d have plenty of time to work on extra stuff I want to do, like my webcomic, my writing, my recreational reading and gaming et cetera. As it stands, I have a ton of work to do. Luckily I have this weekend (I think) to get the work done. I would have all of tomorrow afternoon but I have creative writing and a book festival. Also, Mum and Mike are visiting on Wednesday (yay), but that means I can’t do it then either. Nyeeeh. I’m writing this now, as I watch my second Charmed episode of the night, so I can cross it off my list.

It really does feel like I’ve been split in two. Like I have two lives; there’s my “Southampton” life and my “University/Guildford” life. All my stuff is at university, but in the last less-than-a-month I’ve been back twice, and Southampton is definitely the place that feels like home. University feels more homely now that Matt has been here for a night, the other week, but it’s still not right. I have my stuff, I have photographs, I’ve made it homely, I have my music, I’m used to the routine. And it’s still not right. When I get on with things it’s not so bad. And going home was lovely but it does make it slightly more difficult to come back. It’s hard to describe this weird duality that’s descended over me. I feel like I’m not only living two lives at once, but living as two people at once. And I don’t quite know how to solve this identity crisis effectively. Perseverance, finding ways to keep busy and throwing myself into as much as possible seems to be somewhat effective, but at times the loneliness and heartsickness comes back full force. Usually first thing in the morning, last thing at night and lunchtimeish.

It was pretty nice though, because Matt had an open day here on Saturday and because Julia had free train tickets (and I had a free return), I went back to Southampton with them after the open day/showing them round my room/Julia took Matt shopping. And it was even better because I was supposed to be coming back to uni on Sunday night but it was very dark so Julia said I could stay over for another night and go home this morning (well, yesterday morning now since it’s 1:30am). It meant that I had to stay in Matt’s house after he went to college but his other family members were still in, and I used the time to tidy Matt’s room and write “Love You” in socks on his bed xD He seemed to appreciate that. Good grief, I miss him so much already. I just want his cuddly arms around me again :(
I keep thinking about us moving in together but at this rate, that won’t be able to happen until after I graduate at the very least… if not when he’s graduated. That means 4 or 5 years. By then I’ll be 23-24. It seems so far away. We’ve been together for three years and seven months; we’re now closer to 4 years than 3, and yet we still haven’t moved in together. Most people would have moved in by now but it’s not worked out that way for us. We’re lucky that my third year at college meant we got to fill in one year of the age gap. It’s funny, because our original plan was to ask to rent Bruno’s old flat from him for cheap once Matt turned 16 but a) I doubt his parents would have allowed it and b) I would be headed to uni that year (although it turned out to be the next) so there wouldn’t have been any point. They have couples rooms here at Surrey but that’d only work if he came here; and even then there is a £200 deposit, which we couldn’t do because even if he HAD wanted Surrey as his first choice (currently it’s 2nd choice; I can live with that =]), there would have been no guarantee he’d come here, and if he didn’t, we would have wasted £200 and I would be stuck for somewhere to live in my second year.

*Sigh* I wanted to go to university all my life, and it’s meant to further your career and build your future but at the moment it feels like it’s holding me back and half the time I want to fly home. It’s being away from Matt that’s the hardest, sure, but I miss my Mum and Mike and the rest of the family and the pets and even my room. Even then, my room isn’t my room any more—I told Mum & Mike to switch the rooms around so Wendy & Jacob aren’t crammed into the tiny room while my bigger one goes free. Also, I said that it wouldn’t feel like I’d gained independence if I went home to the same bedroom, the way I left it… I kind of regret that now, since I’ve become so desperate for home comforts.

I think I’m getting there though.

Adding to the sensation of Physical MPD is the way that it’s so easy to start calling my uni room “home” such as “I’m gonna head home now, I’ve got a lot of reading to do”. And yet I also say “I’m going home this weekend.” Although I tend to visualise the uni room as “home” and Southampton as “Home”. Thing is, it’s difficult to decide which one is my “true” home, because although I’ll be living in Southampton for 3 weeks over Xmas, for the whole of April and for roughly 3 months over the summer, I’m paying £111.50 per week for this accommodation, and should probably really start referring to it as “home” by now. Thing is, I just can’t bring myself to.
I love Guildford town, and I love my uni campus, but home is where the heart is, and my heart will always be Matt, and my family. So I’m pretty torn. Move Matt (+family) up here and I’ll be happy as Larry. Still, at least it’s pretty cheap to get home, and the journey isn’t too difficult.

Oh, I got Academic Representative, which is basically like tutor reps from school, only representing my whole year group for psychology. I am one of 3 reps, in a 120 student course, so essentially I represent 40 people (including myself) to the subject board. It’s pretty cool =]

I’m trying to keep that optimism going, in case you hadn’t noticed.

My flatmate has her friends over (again) so it’s pretty loud… I hope they STFU, I really need some sleep.
Talking of which, I had better go. It’s now 01:38am and I’m going to have to get up early tomorrow if I plan to get some reading done before my lecture at 11am.

I need to start doing my sit-ups again, I’m letting it slack. I’ve gotten my appetite back (finally) so I need to start toning again (because at the moment, I have gone the opposite way and appear to be binge-eating). But it’s late (early?) and I’m tired, so… eh. Tomorrow.

One last thing– I’ve spent very little money in the time I’ve been here. Pretty proud of myself.

I want cuddles…

Right. Bedtimes for me. I will scan this for typo’s and do a coherency check later. For now, I’m off to snuggle down in bed and sigh over the fact I couldn’t find the T-shirt that Matt was going to let me steal… I wanted to sleep in it :(

Night, loves.

I hope D:

I actually have more uni work than I thought I did. This is both good and bad.

Love to you all.

Had my psychology lecture today, chatted to a couple of people there. Picked up my timetable (which is so empty, ohmygod). Wandered around for a bit. Hovered around the union for a while for the Students’ Union talk, then ended up going into town for an hour with a girl on my course. I pretty much followed her round while she did her shopping which was awkward but gave me something to do. Then I wandered around the campus by myself for about half an hour before going to this great lecture about advice on uni life and how to deal with things like homesickness and depression (very relevant here), and how to handle alcohol and such. It was a good talk and made me feel a lot better. I got to chat with a few people on my course as well. Then I met a flatmate, chatted for a bit (which was also awkward as we don’t really have anything in common) and then made dinner, washed up and came back to my room to go online. Oh yeah, and we have no hot water :/ This flat is meant to have 6 people and there are three of us. The guy to my left doesn’t talk and the girl to my right has her noisy friends over a lot >.<

Currently talking to Tash and Becky on msn. I was talking to Matt and then Mum on video chat, but they had to go. I was feeling fine the whole time I had a friendly voice but now they've gone I'm starting to feel all het up again.

It's exactly like my first year of college, which is to say it feels like having a fever. The anxiety is so prevalent and rotting. It feels like I'm having hot flushes. My guts twist and it feels like there is a giant hole inside me. I want to cry but can't. When I'm with people I want to be alone but as soon as I'm by myself with my own thoughts, I need company and voices. Especially Matt's and Mum's. I'm dreading tomorrow because all I have to do is meet my tutor, which will take an hour. Other than that, nothing. All day. I'm dreading the time alone. I know I'm just going to feel anxious and sick, wasting the day away until I get to talk to Matt. It's so hard to fight off this homesickness. I knew it would be hard but I never knew it would be THIS hard. I feel so wretched, like I want counselling already. Hopefully, when I start my course I'll be okay, but even then I have all of Wednesday off. I hope I settle in and settle down soon, I really, really do :/ This is ridiculously bad. I was worried I'd fall apart, and it's happening.

I found it impossible to sleep last night as the trains go right past my window and my flatmate had her noisy friends burst in at 2am. Ugh.

I looked forward to uni so much, but now I can't think of anything better than to go home.

Mum and Matt keep urging me to go out and make friends, and I really want to, but I just can't bring myself to go out. Which isn't helping. I just want to go home.

…I'll probably go home at the weekend and go to Fallout, if I'm honest.

Ugh.
I think I'll watch Dr Who then try and get some sleep.

Wish me luck.